Dear Mello
by LemonLoverXD
Summary: After Mello leaves Whammy's, Matt is at a loss, so Matt writes to Mello, hoping he can hear him wherever he is Rated for language, drugs,cutting, ect , MattxMello only suggested and mild, don't like it don't read kk? :D flamers not welcomed
1. Letter 1

**AN: this is my first fic be nice to me :D takes place after Mello leaves, and Matt is at a loss. **

**I sadly do not own Death Note, if I did, there would be more Matt :D **

**I own none of the trademarks mentioned in any of my stories, so there you go.**

**R&R please! I will love you forever! yeah, i kno the chappies are short, but there are lots of them :D enjoy my fan-girly delusions!**

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_**Letter 1**_

Dear Mello,

You left me today. Why? Where are you? Why didn't you wake me? I heard about L. I'm so sorry Mells. Is that why you left? To find kira? I could have

helped you. Mells, you could have trusted me. I need you; you're my only friend. Who will rant about Near, or eat all the chocolate now that you've left?

I'm so bored and lonely without you. I wish you'd come home. When you do, I'll be waiting.

-Matt


	2. Letter 2

**AN: here's the next chapter!**

**I still don't own anything**

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_**Letter 2**_

Dear Mello,

It's been two weeks. Near left too. I'm at the top of the ratings, but there's no fun in it. You made them matter. Whammy's has been cold and lonely,

not to mention boring. Where are you? Are you safe? Are you hungry? I hope you have chocolate wherever you are, or I pity those people around you. I

play even more video games, if that is even possible. Oh, Roger put a new kid in our room. He seems to think that you are gone for good. The new kid is

called Chase. He won't shut up! All he talks about is chicks, and he expects a response from you. He annoys the shit out of me! I miss your rants, and

your energy. Life is so dead.

-Matt


	3. Letter 3

**AN: yeah, I spell weird, deal with it. Here it is, the third letter :D**

**Don't forget to review, even if you hate this fic and think I should burn in Hell for writing it. thankies!**

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_**Letter 3**_

Dear Mello,

I guess you aren't coming back. It turns out this Chase kid is semi-smart, he's number three in only two weeks. I slipped down to number two, to your

rank. My PSP broke, I tripped down the stairs, and it went flying, it landed with a crunch. I'm using my Game Boy Colour, but I only have six games for it.

I hope I can get it fixed soon. The summer is hot this year. All the guys started playing football again. I missed your screaming at your wins and losses

afterwards. I hope you're safe, and I think of you all the time.

-Matt


	4. Letter 4

**AN: I loved the image of Mello and Matt running through the halls of Whammy terrorizing girls XD**

**R&R! **

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_**Letter 4**_

Dear Mello,

Do you remember the nerf guns we used to rampage the girls' wing with? Well, Chase found them. He picked them up and started messing with them. I

told him to lay off, but he wouldn't. Things kinda got nasty after that, and I, uh, broke his nose. He was messing with our stuff man! He bruised my jaw,

but I'm fine. I hated how mocking he was; all of my favourite memories are there, because you are in them. When you get home, we're gonna go nerf

the girls wing again.

-Matt


	5. Letter 5

**AN: sorry, I really wanted more yaoi-ness in there early on, but it wasn't to be.**

**R&R, I want ur reviews!**

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_**Letter 5**_

Dear Mello,

You know how I broke Chase's nose. Well he got a new roommate, and now our room is empty. All our stuff is still there; I haven't taken anything down.

I'll chase any roommate Roger gives me away, this is OUR room. We schemed together, we argued together, we beat Halo in two hours, and we kissed

together in this room. It will stay ours if I have to defend it single-handedly.

-Matt


	6. Letter 6

**AN: Sorry, there is no time in this fic, I was too lazy to make it work. And yes, I realize the chapters keep getting shorter.**

**There will be a long chapter soon, I hate stories with short chapters, I'm usually to lazy to read them. But thank you if you've read tis far!**

***equals about $0.55**

**** equals $9,187.73**

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_**Letter 6**_

Dear Mello,

I got a call from Near today. He says he wanted ME to be the hacker on his team to take down kira. I cussed him out and hung up. What nerve, little

albino bastard. I don't work for anyone but you. Oh, I cracked into a bank today, kid stuff, the security was a joke! I took 35* pence from each account. I

got 5,86.** The latest Mario finally came out, so I bought it, and beat it in 4 hours. Dull, really. I wish you'd call, or something.

-Matt


	7. Letter 7

**AN: I wasn't going to publish until tomorrow, but I logged on, and I already had 1 review and she favourited me! Thank you sooooooooooo much Randomdancing410, I was so excited! Letter 7 and 8 are just for you!**

**I still own nothing except for my shattered sense of dignity :D**

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_**Letter 7**_

Dear Mello,

My mind has gone complacent, nothing really interests me anymore. Games are fun, but when you stop playing, the loneliness is still there. I had to find a

new release, or I would go mad with the boredom and solitude. I started smoking cigs again. It was funny, cigs killed my old man, but he couldn't quit. He

loved them too much. I understand that now. The give you a focus, I smoke one or two packs a day. It helps most of the time. God, I miss you. I wonder

if you think of me. I hope you do, and know you're always on my mind.

-Matt


	8. Letter 8

**AN: The song I talk about is a song I did in choir, so I thought I would put it in my fic :D look it up on youtube**

**I don't own the song or Deathnote or youtube or anything for that matter.**

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_**Letter 8**_

Dear Mello,

I couldn't take going to classes today. Its the 9th anniversary of the day I met you. I sat on the roof all day, smoking, mostly. I was thinking about you.

The window to the choir room was open; I caught a snatch of a song. It was _"Think On Me" _The words floated on the afternoon air. "When thou has none

to cheer thee, Think On Me" The words brought tears to my eyes, I wondered where you were for the millionth time, and wondered if there was some one

who cheered you up. That had always been me. I had to squeeze my eyes shut. I remembered how you and I used to skip class and lie on the roof,

looking at the clouds and laughing. I looked at the sky, and was comforted that we were both under the same sky, and you just might be thinking of me

too.

-Matt


	9. Letter 9

**AN: there are thirteen letters Matt writes if anyone was wondering, I've got them all typed, but I need to edit XP and then I'll update, I promise! Anyways, here's my next chapter for my two wonderful people who reviewed!!!! Thank You!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**the more reviews I get, the more motivated I am, so keep them coming!!!!!!!!!**

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_**Letter 9**_

Dear Mello,

The cigs aren't helping like they used to. Now they just make me throw up. I don't eat much; I don't feel like it. I talked to some of the older boys, Zach

and John. They said they could hook me up with better stuff. They get me Mari sticks, and I smoke about a dozen a day. It's a wonderful detached feeling,

but when you crash, you feel like shit. It makes me depressed and moody. I found other uses for my razors other than shaving. The cuts make me feel

better, a release of emotion. I cut Ms into my wrists, so I'll never forget you.

- Matt


	10. Letter 10

**AN: I didn't realize I disabled anonymous reviews! I'm sorry! Please R&R!!! I love hearing what you have to say! Thank you for reading this far, the great number of chapters would scare me off, so thanks for your bravery XD**

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_**Letter 10**_

Dear Mello,

I took a walk today. Completely sober and clean. I miss that, the clearness, but after awhile, the reality sets in, that you're gone, that I needed you, and

still do. I wanted to tell you that I love you. You were the only person who would talk to me. I've faded into the background, a shadow. No one speaks of

you anymore, and no one approaches me. I can see why, I look like death warmed over. My hair is wild, I have bags under my eyes, my face is sallow, and

pale. I've lost so much weight that you can almost see my ribs through my shirt. I can touch my thumb and first knuckle of my pointer finger around my

wrist. Food makes me sick, and I don't eat most days. Come home.

-Matt


	11. Letter 11

**AN: Snow day!!!! I had time in between the homework!!! **

** R&R!!!!!!! Enjoy!!!**

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_**Letter 11**_

Dear Mello,

I've stopped going to class. I'm failing all my classes, and I fell to the bottom of the ratings. I smoke whatever I can get my hands on. I cut my wrists to

shreds, making Ms into my wrist. Ms for Matt. Ms for Mello. I ate a little today without throwing up. I had chocolate. I missed the smell, the crack of the

chocolate breaking. God, I miss you. I watched the news, a building got blown up, and the official explanation was it was the Mafia's doing. I knew your

handy work. I didn't know you had connections in the Mafia. You have nice taste, then again, you always did. I'm still waiting like a fool for your blond hair

to be on your pillow when I wake up, or for you to storm in screaming after the ratings have been posted. But you're never there.

-Matt


	12. Letter 12

_**Letter 12**_

Dear Mello,

I can't take it, the drugs, the sickness, the loneliness. I want and need you more than ever before. I can't hold on any more. Come back Mello, I need you.

Come home.

I love you.

-Matt

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**AN: bwahahahahaha I'm a bitch aren't I? XD I'll post the next chapter as soon as I can unbury myself from my homework. XD**


	13. Letter 13

**AN: I got 2 reviews today!!! thanks so much, it inspired me to post and I've got the climax all typed!!!!! but I'll build the suspense BWHAHAHAH!**

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_**Letter 13**_

Dear Mello,

I love you. Please forgive me.

Love,

Matt

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**AN: cliffhanger!!!!!! XD I guess you'll have to wait and see what happens won't you? :D**

** R&R!!!!**


	14. Letter 0

**AN: OH MY GOD, PLEASE DON"T KILL ME. I haven't updated because I was busy . Here it is! the climax! it took two bloody hours to type XP but here it is for you, my readers! Enjoy the angst and sadness of myfan-girly flee. **

**:D R&R what do you think (sorry matty and mells, but I had to do this XD)**

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Two days earlier, Roger had called Near, and told him about Matt's recent behaviour. Roger asked Near to find Mello, and get him to Matt before Matt did

something drastic. Near found Mello relatively quickly, it wasn't like Mello was keeping a low profile. Near called Mello himself.

"What?" Mello picked up with a growl.

"This is Near, Matt is in trouble."

"Fuck you Near, why should I-- what?"

The albino continued in his monotone while he curled his hair. "Matt has recently taken on some reckless behaviour, he smokes, he skips class, he

doesn't eat or sleep, and he has started cutting himself."

"Fuck." Mello snarled and hung up loudly.

Matt what are you doing?" Mello growled to himself as he drove illegally fast to the nearest airport. It would take Mello at least 18 hours to get from his

hideout in America. Mello hoped that Matt could hold on for that long.

---

Matt was sure now that Mello would not be coming back. Matt took a long drag from a cigarette and put it out on the floor. If Matt was a crying person,

he would be sobbing his eyes out. But he was past that now. He had cried himself out. Matt sat in the middle of his and Mello's room, looking out the

window; the sun was just starting to set. Orange, pink, and yellow glinted off of Matt's goggles, and onto the wall. The sunset was absolutely beautiful.

---

At this moment, Mello had touched down in England, and had a half an hour drive ahead of him. Mello made it a 15 minute ride. He screeched into

Whammy's driveway, hoping that he was not too late.

---

Matt took up the razor blade. Tonight would be his last; he was tired, lonely, and sick of life. He didn't want the pain anymore. Matt wanted more than

anything to sleep, and not feel anymore did. He drew neat lines parallel to his arm from his wrist to his elbow, three in each arm. Matt lay flat on his back

on the floor and thought of Mello, his Mells.

---

Mello flew up the stairs to his and Matt's room. He knew the way like he had never left. As he found his door, he grabbed the doorknob, and turned

viciously, it was locked. Mello kicked the door with all his fear and anger; the door gave way and burst inwards. Matt was on the floor, and he was

bleeding heavily.

---

Matt felt himself drifting, the door flew open, and a blond figure clad in all skin-tight black leather stepped in, a ferocious scar covered half his face. Matt

had a hard time focusing his gaze. "Mells?" he whispered weakly, and lost the battle he was fighting to keep his eyes open.

---

Mello stared in horror as his best friend bled out all over the floor. Mello cursed, and looked for something to use as a makeshift tourniquet. Something,

anything, just to stop Matt's bleeding. A roll of duct tape sat on a shelf, and he snatched it. Mello quickly wrapped the gray tape tightly above Matt's

elbows, careful of the cuts that ran down his arms. Mello wrapped the cuts tightly in strips torn from Matt's sheets. Mello was strong, and Matt had lost

so much weight that carrying him wasn't a problem. He ran, cursing loudly. His best friend was dying literally in his arms. They made it to the infirmary,

where Mello screamed for the nurse. She ran over to the bed Mello had gently placed Matt on. The nurse called for the other nurses, and three other

women hurried over. Mello was shunned away, and Roger was called. Roger put an arm around Mello, and Mello's tears overflowed as the nurses bustled

over his friend. Mello made a startling realization- he might loose Matt, he might die right now, and it was all Mello's fault. He hadn't been able to save

him. That thought brought Mello a fit of sobs that shuddered in his chest. Mello caught a glimpse of Matt, they had him hooked up to all sorts of

monitors, and Mello heard Matt's faint, erratic heartbeat. He looked pale, his red hair stood out violently from his pale face. Roger put his arm around

Mello, and steered him out of the ward before Mello was in hysterics. Roger led Mello to Matt's room. Roger told Mello to get some sleep, and that he

would watch Matt while Mello slept. Mello hiccuped and nodded. The door shut quietly, and the old man was gone. Someone had mopped up Matt's blood

and put an area rug over it. Mello curled up in Matt's bunk. He pressed his face into the pillow. Mello smelled Matt's cigarettes, and his shampoo. Mello

calmed down and wiped his face. He felt like a five year old. Mello hugged the pillow, and looked around his old room. It hadn't changed much since he

had left. Matt had kept all of their stuff on the walls. There was a small black book on Matt's desk. He opened it, and found pages with Matt's cramped

handwriting. Mello read the book, it was filled with letters from Matt to him, ever since Mello had left. The last one had been written today. Mello curled

up on the bed again, and sobbed, he finally fell asleep after he had cried himself out. He was exhausted, and he missed Matty.

---

When Mello woke up, he was disoriented, but he quickly remembered where he was and why he was there. Matty.... Mello flew down the halls of the old

English mansion, dodging the smaller kids. There were cries of "Mello!" and "Mello's back!" Mello ignored the shouts and flew down the last set of stairs

to the infirmary. Matt had been moved to the bed furthest from the door. He had several IVs, one for glucose and saline, and another for new blood to

replace all tat he had lost. Mello shivered and thought of how close Matt had been to death. He cautiously walked up to the bed. The red hair of the

gamer resembled a mop, and his face was still pale, but better than it had been the night before. a nurse walked over to Mello, and put her hand on his

shoulder. Mello flinched and jumped back, pulled from his thoughts suddenly.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you, are you Mello?" She asked looking apologetic. She had been since Mello had left, or else she would have known

him at least by reputation. Mello ran a hand through his blond hair and nodded at the girl.

She relaxed a little. "Matt is stable, but he has a hard road in front of him, we had to sew up his arms, the cuts were very deep, he will have scars for the

rest of his life. It might be awhile before he is conscious of his surroundings." She gave a professional smile, and walked away from the two to give them

a little privacy. Mello sighed and put his hand on Matt's gaunt cheek.

"Oh Matty." He said, his voice thick from the tears that were welling up in his eyes. Mello sat with Matt all day. Mello had asked one of the nurses to get

the book Matt had written to him in and a pen. Mello wrote letters back to Matt while he sat with him.


	15. Dear Matt Letter 1

**AN: I'm soooo sorry this took so long to update, I have been so busy or I would have posted last night DX. But here it is! The next chapters might come up slower than the last 14, I have writers block D:**

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_**Letter 1**_

Dear Matt,

I'm sorry, Matty. I left so angry, I didn't think, I just ran. I left you because I didn't want you to get hurt because of me. I thought I was doing the right

thing. I guess I was wrong huh? I'm sorry Matty. I'm so sorry.

- Mello


	16. Dear Matt Letter 2

**AN: Sorry! Due to the shit-load of homework, i haven't updated in foreeeever. I've got most of the ending typed, but I'm revising -_-"**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, and prolly never will 3**

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_**Letter 2**_

Dear Matt,

I think I owe you an explenation. After I left, I got a crappy flat in the slums and a laptop. I started looking for Kira. After two weeks of bad luck, I was never

as good with computers as you were, I needed other recourses. Soon, I fell in with the Mafia. What you saw on the news was only a taste of the life. That

explosion was my third this month. That one ripped half of my face off. I missed you Matt, I really did. After the place exploded, I lay in the grass, and stared

at the clouds, wishing that you were there. I missed you too.

-Mello


	17. Dear Matt Letter 3

**AN:OH my gosh, i am so sorry Thank you AlchemyOtaku0922, I put up the wrong chapter! Here is the real one! yeah, sorry I haven't updated -_-" I've got the next three chapters typed, but I need an opinion, what kind of ending do y'all want? Review or PM me, I don't care! Thanks! **

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_**Letter 3**_

Dear Matt,

The nurses talked to me today. They said that your cuts were healing nicely, but they found traces of marijuana and other things they don't even know what

it is. They said you would have permanent brain and lung damage. There will be scars for the rest of your life, mental and physical. The drugs will be hard to

drop, Matty. I promise to you that I will help you through this no matter what. I'm the reason you're like this, there is no way to begin to apologise, but this is

the best I can do. I will be there for you forever. I will never leave you again, I promise.

-Mello


	18. Dear Matt Letter 4

**AN: Yayyyyy~ Mello being his bitchy self :D R&R Thank you to my readers who caught my mistake; if you didn't see it, What mistake?  
**

**I still own nothing**

**---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
**

_**Letter 4**_

Dear Matt,

Roger made me leave the ward and go to the cafeteria. He said I needed "fresh air." It was weird being back in the old routine. The whole

room seemed to stare at me as I walked through to my old seat by the window. As I was eating, a surly-looking kid with a crooked nose and

a smirk started talking to me. He said " You're the boy that dude Matt was always sulking about, huh?" I narrowed my eyes and spat "Who

the hell are you?" He sneered at me. "Chase. I moved into your room with the red head. I heard he slit his wrists. Is he dead?" I snapped my

head towards him. "No, he's alive." Chase sighed "Damn, I hoped he'd snuff himself and save someone the bother of doing it for him." I stood

up; he was a little taller than me, only more reason to hate him. "You want a broken jaw to go with that nose you son of a bitch?" He smiled "Why

do you care so much, you his boyfriend or something?" I got him with a right hook, slammed his teeth together with an uppercut, then he took a

roundhouse to the face. I felt his jaw pop out under my boot. He fell backwards and I walked back to the infirmary. I sat with you, and I waved

when he walked in with his newly broken jaw. Prick.

-Mello


	19. Dear Matt Letter 5

**AN: Yay! Letter 5..... I hope I don't become to clichete, -_-" Here you go you guys! I've got over 30 reviews!!! Thank you All!!!**

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_**Letter 5**_

Dear Matt,

It's the third day of you being here, and you haven't woken up yet. They have you drugged so bad, I don't blame you. I blame me. There is no way to

apologise for what I did. There is no reason for you to forgive me. If you hate me now, I'll understand. Just let me be selfish a little more, and let me stay with

you all through therapy. I want to get you as healthy as you used to be, then you can leave me, like I left you. I don't deserve a second chance.

-Mello


	20. Dear Matt Letter 6

**AN: Yaaay~ 40 Reviews!!! I'm having trouble writing the next chapters, so I apologize for not updating that often.  
**

**I still own nothing**

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_**Letter 6**_

Dear Matt,

I know I don't deserve you, I know I'm the reason you are hurting so bad, and I know what I did to you doesn't merit anything; but I want a second chance

with you. I know what I did, I left you, I hurt you more than anyone else could possibly hurt you. I'm sorry. I didn't know, I didn't think, I just wanted you to

be safe, so I just left you sleeping. I thought that there was no way that you could follow me, I didn't want to use you. I thought that if I took you along, that

you would become a tool, and I would forget that you are Matt, and just use you, then kill you. And if that happened, Matt, how could I look at myself again, I

would be the bastard that just got my loyal friend and accomplice killed. Would I even care, would I still be human, or would I become a cold, unfeeling person.

If that happened, you would be safe where I couldn't be with you, I couldn't use you. But I'm just justifying it, I left you at home, in your bed because I cared, and I

didn't think about how you would feel. But I'm using I to start my sentences that just sound empty, even to me. This isn't about me; it's about you. You got hurt

due to me, you weren't what I thought about when I left. I was only thinking of myself. There will only be one more sentence starting with the selfish beginning "I".

I love you.

-Mello


	21. Ending 1

**A/N: Hey! Its me, the horrible, horrible author who hasn't updated in a year, I know. I'm going to give the ending in two ideas. This will be the fluffy, happy ending that you all want, and the next chapter will be the evil, you-will-hate-me-for-this type ending. Enjoy~~ **

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing :3**

Light streamed inside the windows into the Whammy's Infirmary. It was silent; only two people occupied the room. One was a pale redhead, still slumbering, unaware of the world, and the other a haggard looking blond, in a state of overexertion. Mello's head rested on Matt's bed, inches away from his leg, with his hand slid under of Matt's. The blond had been laying there since Mello had collapsed from exhaustion. Both of the two men were rumpled and weary looking, sleeping so soundly near each other.

Mello hadn't left Matt's side for weeks now, not even leaving for meals, in the off chance that something would happen in his absence. He gave up writing to Matt in the book. It seemed so pointless. Mello simply talked to Matt, read to him whenever he felt like it, at times ranting angrily at no one, his words making the room reverberate . Sometimes, Mello would just sit in silence and listen to Matt's heart monitor, a steady beep, ensuring that Matt hadn't left just yet.

But on this morning, Mello had given up to his exhaustion, and allowed himself sleep. The birds chirped in the still English morning.

Matt heard crying; a racking sob that broke Matt's heart just to hear it. _Who's crying? _Matt fought for consciousness, but it was like a black fog pressing against his face, smothering him. The sobs became increasingly familiar. _Mello, is that you? Why are you here? Mells? _Matt tried to look around him, but he could see nothing. Growing more frustrated, Matt tried to yell for Mello, _Mello, don't cry, shhh now, it's okay. Please don't cry until I can hold you. Mello... my Mello. _

Matt blinked. Here he was, still in Whammys, laying in a plain crisp white bed. Matt pushed himself up from his bed, but flopped down, exhausted. He tried to stretch, but found his arms and chest hooked up to all manners of machines. He remembered why he was there, and tentatively, Matt looked at his arms for the first time in months.

They seemed to be healing nicely, but bright white scars had formed, a permanent reminder of his depression. Matt remembered the pain burned into his mind that day with intense clarity. How much he had hated life. How much he missed Mello. Mello! Where was Mello? Was it him Matt had heard crying?

Matt took great effort, and hauled himself upright as much as he could, using his arms gingerly. Matt found Mello, right on the edge of his bed, head on his leg, snuggled into Matt as best he could. Matt chuckled, and rested his hand on Mello's head. Mello was just so, dare Matt think it? Cute.

With a surge of emotion, he looked at Mello closely. A large scar covered his face. When had that happened? Under Mello's eyes were circles so dark, Mello almost looked theatrical. What had happened to the healthy, sexy teen Matt had loved?

Matt couldn't take it all in. _What happened to me? Why is Mello here, how long have I been like this? _ Matt laid back and looked at his surroundings for clues. A window was open, and a cool breeze played across his face. _Spring, _Matt thought, _I slept all winter._

On a side table sat a small unassuming journal, with a pen marking the next blank page, with only a few words on it:

_Dear Matt,_

_The doctors informed me that there is a large chance that you will die before you come out of your coma. They asked me if I wanted to keep you alive still. That's how serious this is. This is all because if you remember, you not only filleted your arms, dumbass, but you were so full of every identifiable drug, that there were more drugs than blood in your body, not to mention that you hadn't eaten in weeks. Matt, there is a huge chance you won't ever wake up. You will waste your life away, and be a vegetable laying in a hospital bed. Fine, I'll just be a lonely old man sitting next to a comatose old man. If that's what happens, that's what happens. But if you do wake up, and are reading this, Matty, why the hell haven't woken me up or found me, because I want to know that you're ok, damn it, I'm waiting for you. I love you Matty. _

_Good Morning, my gamer boy._

_-Mells_

Matt smiled as he finished the letter, and flipped through the book, discovering all the letters written for him. Mello had waited for months for Matt to wake up, putting the Kira case and his entire life on hold. Mello had chosen him for once. Mello loved him back.

Matt leaned forward and kissed him on the forehead. "Good Morning, Mells."

Mello's green eyes blinked lethargically and fluttered open, "Matty?"

Matt pulled Mello into a hug, "Hey Mello,

_did you miss me?" _


	22. Ending 2

_**A/N: kyaa~~ here's the last chapter! thank you all for being wonderful patient readers! kisses!- Lemons~ :3**_

_**still own nothing**_

_**!WARNING! DARK THEMES, IF YOU HAVE ANY LOVE FOR THE CHARACTERS, OR WANT A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T READ!**_

...

_The first leaves of autumn blew through the soon to turn trees. But the beauty falls on unseeing eyes, and all that rattles through the dying leaves is a lingering feeling of regret._

_Dear Matt,_

_Guess what? Today's the day when you tried to commit suicide. Today, one year ago, I came running to you, but I was too damn late. When I got that phone call, I realized what I had left. I wanted to tell you how much I loved you, just how much you meant to me, so I ran to you. But too late were my intentions. Now I can never tell you. Not ever. I've been waiting by your side, waiting for you to wake up. I haven't moved at all, Matty. I mean, how could I just leave you here? I put you in that bed. _

_How in hell could I forgive myself? I left you. I screwed us, and I didn't even notice . I wish I could change that, but I can't. I feel so pathetic and worthless just sitting here, watching you... Every day I stare at your silent face and think of the future we could have had. But my selfish ass screwed us both._

_The doctors think I'm a dumbass, they know you're not gonna make it. They know I'm just some stupid love-struck prick who can't let go. Well, screw them. So what if I'm a dumbass. I'm your dumbass._

_So, after all this, I'm giving up. I'm being selfish once again at your expense. I refuse to live while you can't. Why the hell should I live? Who gives a damn anyway? You were the only one who cared, and I used you up. Took until you were gone, but I'm still looking to take from you even now._

_Life is a living hell, I have no reason to ever care about anything. All I can think about is how wrong I've been. What I should have done. I reread what you wrote me. How could I have been so fucking blind? _

_But Matt, just do one more thing for my selfish ass, then I'll leave you in peace. Matt, remember that I still love you. I know that I always will._

_When I got that phone call from that bastard Near, I didn't believe it. I figured he was tryin' to screw with my head. I always thought of you as the redhead zealous gamer with a goofy grin that I left behind with my past. But I didn't think. I thought of you as my past, but you should have been my future. I was selfishly trying to become a man when really, all I am is a hurt, scared child. That's why I understand if you do hate me. But I want you to know this, Matt: I'll always love you. Even though we never even got a chance to see how our lives would have been, I think I have a pretty good idea. Our lives might have been shit, we certainly wouldn't have had a white picket fence house with a dog in the yard, but you would be there to make it all worth while, grinning like always, making me feel at peace. You could make a hell hole feel like a suite._

_Well, I'll say goodbye. Goodbye to all our years of companionship. And goodbye to all the ones that could have been ours as partners. Here is to the ones we will enjoy in death. I know you won't read this, but I hope to tell you soon all the things I meant to say. _

_These last months, waiting, watching. No hope can be found in me now. I'm so sorry for what I did to you...did to us... You have always been my support, but the one time you needed me, I was in another fucking country, doing whatever the hell I wanted. _

_Matt, I fucked you up, I ruined your life, and now I'm taking it. There are a few machines giving you life, so easy to stop. I'm going to kill you Matty, this time for real. You wanted to die, and I want to die, all this year of waiting was a second chance at life, time for you to wake. Well, I'm giving us a third. Death is our last answer now._

_I left you. You waited. I had moved on. _

_That's why I'm bringing you with me, selfishly hoping that we can go to where-ever is next. Matt, You were the best god damned thing in the world. The world's not worth living here. _

_Yours forever, _

_Mihael Keehl_

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**_yeah, that just happened. if you didn't understand what just went on, PM me, i know, horrible thing to make the characters do, but it's a tragedy! Thank you all so much, I actually finished it! yay!_**


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